Ugh

 

 

(Information to make this post make sense: Scott left for Melbourne yesterday for a few days, which overlaps with me leaving for Nabiac on Friday. Thus, I've just been running errands and spending the days alone again like before. Just going to coffee houses till they close at 4 and then coming home for the rest of the afternoon/evening and watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch and blogging. Obviously exciting and a good use of my time. Nabiac is a 5h30m train ride away which I head out for on Friday morning at 7am. I'm having a hard time feeling excited, as I'm just scared shitless because this is the actual beginning of my traveling. Sydney I lived with a friend, met his friends, and had the time to learn the city. Starting now, I will no longer have that same luxury.)

Actual post: Sorry for so many posts in one day. This is what, number 4? This one isn't as cute or fun though. Traveling is fucking hard. Today and yesterday I've just felt like total shit. Three weeks ago I did as well. It's so hard coming to a new place and not having anyone. Or if the people you do have work all day and then stay in. In the month I've had in Sydney, I made one really close new friend. At the moment, he's my best friend as all my buddies at home are nearly impossible to reach other than my mother (who I would die with out. I love you so much, mom. Thank you). Though I'm not good about keeping in touch either a lot of the time lately, it still sucks to be completely cut off from everyone you love, and obviously forgotten or ignored by others. One person in particular promised not to just stop talking to me, and I haven't heard from him in three weeks already. Another person just speaks to me as If we're acquaintances now. Others just don't even bother. A lot didn't even wish me a happy birthday (<3 to those who did and those who stay in touch). Out of sight, out of mind I guess. So, now I have this kind, caring, fun new person in my life, who says all the right things and takes me on exciting adventures who I'm just starting to get to know, and I'm leaving. I have to start all over again. I have to go through the lonely cycle again until I find a new temporary friend. I get that this comes with traveling, I get that I'll have to get used to it. I get that they aren't really temporary and some will be lasting, but it really doesn't make it suck any less. I hope I find some people to travel with me. Because if this is going to be the cycle for the next year, I'm going to turn into grey, chalky dust.

Also, I'm just really freaked as I said in the first paragraph. I'm actually starting traveling now rather than just living in a new city. I knew I could do that, I did it in Bloomington and Indianapolis. But now I have to do it almost weekly, and not get down while doing it. It's so hard to remember to enjoy what you're seeing and doing when you're alone a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love alone time. I miss living alone and spending a lot of time with myself. But that's when you know you have back up for when you no longer feel like being alone. Before, I could just walk three feet and knock on Nick's door. Or I could call Ian. Or Viva. Or Johanna. Or Rachel. Or someone. Or anyone. But now, I can't just call people. I have to meet them. And then I have to find ones who will come with me, so I don't have to keep meeting people I only see for a day. It's hard to want to try to make friends when you know you only have a day. It's also hard to call friends when you're lonely, cause loneliness comes mainly at night. And when it's night for me, it's the fucking wee hours of the morning for my friends and family.

One thing is for sure, I'm definitely going to come back a changed person. If I can handle this shit for the next few months, then I'm going to be a much stronger, more independent person. And a much weirder, smarter one I'm sure. Strange things are headed my way in the coming months, and yes I AM extremely excited for them. I'm just a fraidy cat who gets attached too easily and wants friends. Bugger. But at least i'm getting tan and blonde as all getup!

 

And, I fucking miss my cat.

I even have DREAMS about her.

 

 

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